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$2.25 CANADA/ FOREIGN

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BONUS CREATURE POSTER!

If you’re looking for more than CREATURE COMFORTS

come to | |

CIUBDRED

located on the picturesque CRACKED LAGOON

BARRY ROSENBLOOM

director of publishing operations

LOU SILVERSTONE CLIFF MOTT editor art director/associate editor SYLVESTER P. SMYTHE

dungeon pinball machine rentals

JOHN SEVERIN, LOU SILVERSTONE, RURIK TYLER, WALTER BROGAN, MIKE RICIGLIANO, DON OREHEK, GARY FIELDS, GEORGE GLADIR, ROB ORZECHOWSKI, FRANK CARUSO, BILL BURKE, KENT GAMBLE, SHAWN KERRI, ARNOLDO FRANCHIONI, STEVE STRANGIO, writers & artists

hideous contents

ADDARNS FAMILY ......0 00 ccc ecccvcvcvvvec cd CRYPTIC COMMERCIALS .............000002-. 8 PARANOIA NEWS 1.0.00 .0 00sec cece ccee cee 10 RURIK’S CREATURE... ...... 00.00 ccecveeeee IB HOW TO CURE SUPERSTITIONS ................16 OLD MOVIE MONSTER FILMS UPDATED FOR TODAY .18 | NEVER MET A MONSTER | DIDN’T LIKE!..........22 DON OREHEK’S HORRIBLE HUMOR.............24 SPIES & SABOTEURS IN AN EGYPTIAN TOMB ..... .26 CRACKED INTERVIEWS FRANKENSTEIN,

MONSTER KING 60.0 bec cite cc cee eens s (8 IF OTHER ACTORS PLAYED THE PARTS

MADE FAMOUS BY SOMEBODY ELSE ..........32 MONSTER PARTY ....... 0 cc cccecccvcvceees 36 TED sie tn a Pn so) 0's PROMS Sie ab > 9 ve Oe REAL SCARY HORROR VIDEOS .............+4.39 MONSTEROUS MERRIMENT............++++++ 41 Oe ye 43

. . . > - . . . . . . a an

ADDAMS’ FAMILY PHOTO ALBUM ., .

SEVERIN, front cover TYLER, full-length inside covers SEVERIN, back cover

They’re back...America’s scariest family. No, we don’t mean the Kennedys; we’re talking real weirdos. Okay, we’ll give you a hint: The only plots on their shows were cemetery plots. Need another clue? Bah dah da da-bump snap snap! Yeah, they’ve returned to our TV screens in glorious black and white reruns...

THE ADDARNS FAMILY

(This is a PG-13 rated magazine)

WRITER: LOU SILVERSTONE ARTIST: WALTER BROGAN

I’m Dr. Lecter, the school : Pace perhaps, were a Splendid, ae fathes sychologist. You, uh, children es, we're ere are some ; ; f gee wie having a difficult very proud of problems with It can’t be us; did you ever seea away the better time adjusting and making them, aren’t their home life. more normal family? It must be friends this neighborhood. For the sake a of the children, we’ll move.

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You'll tike this pointes Well, I do house, it’s Actually, oldman, } havea sunny and we’d like something | cheerful. |

ve and dismal; with a . i j view of the cemetery.

We'll take it! There’s a ghost || Name your price!! in the attic...

Daddy, look, there’s |} That’s not fair,I || Better, the water jf Pie, ae a green slime dripping || want slime in my in your i Lares cr paces down my wall! bedroom, too! : bathroomis | ig :

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Children, you know a ie | MS de Somebody moved buzzard has two necks! ip ql pilus into THAT

q hous

No one ever spends more than one night in that place, but let’s do the neighborly thing and

welcome them.

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Hi, we’re your new neighbors. Oh, no! I mean, look, dear, it’s

We prefer Uncle Pester

playing with his bombs

instead of his gun, he’s such a terrible shot.

it’s delicious.

Yes, it’s one of . those strange coincidences, without which there would be no sitcoms.

Doctor, I want to thank you; moving here has done wonders for the children.

That’s not true! I might not hit what I aim at but I always

hit something.

You know, this house is haunted!

Mind if I join you ina smoke, Mon Petit Chou?

You must try one of these. It’s chopped lizard gizzards on a Ritz cracker and eye of newt dip.

That’s Uncle Pester, working on his nuclear

{) i)

Children, when you finish playing, I need that rope to tie up Uncle It. Tonight’s a full

We’re having a barbecue this afternoon and you have to come.

How about a swim, old

No need to be alarmed. It’s a low radiation device.

We won’t take no for

an answer! Granny’s

making her specialty; toad pudding.

Yes, this house has everything.

You’ve got to |} They moved out of their house on ~~ get rid of my advice. I’ll tell them I was

these people. || wrong; the children were better off in the old place.

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Whatever you . : : ries a ea 3 ou must }} }lldiga || No, we'll drive over, I guess this place will |} No, no, we didn’t want you to be lonely so eee ote ©} promise #] tunnel from | I promise. Now be vacant again. we invited our cousins from California to we're going to |/"0 P8Y US }} your place {| you’d better go for live here. miss you and avisit. 1° toour jf the children’s sake. your charming | house. :

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MOVERS Mpa ZS {neighbor TT

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DR. JECKYLL and MR. HYDE for LITE BEER

After performing surgery, You may go for the classy look, I like to relax with a case... . In Gloria’s blue jeans,

The beer | choose is Swiller Lite, Or you may like the rough look, Of course for its great taste, as worn my Springsteen!

After | drink all 24,

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Like night and day | change That may come between

And state that it’s less filling! Brooke and her Calvin Kleins...

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The MUMMY for CHARMEN GODZILLA for LESTERINE

Mr. Whipple says, ‘‘Please don’t squeeze it!’’ : When stomping through those cities, He claims it’s soft as a feather! Wreaking pain and death,

What he doesn’t know about the stuff, There’s one thing | worry about,

Is that it keeps me together! And that is my bad breath!

He knows. more than me about Charmen, That’s why | gargle with Lesterine,

| wouldn’t even doubt it! I’m their biggest fan!

I’m sure he even knows how it feels Now at least there’s a pleasant odor, To be stuck without it! As | burn down Japan!

KING KONG for WINDREX ne The BLOB for DEX-O-TRIM

| love to climb up buildings, but their windows end up as wrecks, Though clean up never bothers me,

oy I’m trying to lose some weight, : | just can’t seem to win! a es : Now that they got all those diet pills,

As long as | have Windrex! I'll try some DEX-O-TRIM!

Squirt, squirt and some polishing, | know my problem! | eat too much

| shine every pane and knob! of my massive dinners!

The only thing that upsets me, Now at meals, | cut out fats

Is when pigeons ruin my job! And eat only people who're thinner!

“The INVISIBLE MAN for AMERICAN EXCESS

Yeah, rm considered a celebrity, atitle thatis pretty fair.

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The ‘Amenean. Excess card p all I need, and my ID's rarely doubted... ‘Cause like my pants and sagas | never leave home = it!

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PARANOIA NEWS EMPLOYEES MAY NOT ENTER

PARANOIA NEWS

©0000 00000000000 00000000000 0000000000000 8 000000000 0OOOOSOOOOOOOOOOOO9 00000000000 PARANOIA NEWS {IS PUBLISHED BY THE CRAZY §$ PARANOIA NEW IS PUBLISHED FOR THOSE PEOPLE

PUBLISHING COMPANY, OF LOOSENING, NEBRAS- ° WHO WISH TO BE ON GUARD AGAINST THE SUB- KA. IT INCORPORATES SCHIZOID NEWS AND THE $ VERSIVE FORCES ON OUR OWN PLANET AND DEMENTED DIGEST. SOLD ONLY IN THE U.S. AT $ OTHER PLANETS. .. . AND STOP LOOKING AT ME PLACES WHERE THEY CAN'T GET US. M4 THAT WAY! WHO DO I THINK YOU ARE, ANYHOW! 000 0000000000000000000000000000000000000S0000000000000000000000000000000000000008 TABLE OF CONTENTS What Do People Really Mean by “Hello?” .... .cccccccccccssscssesssecseseisae OF A Poodle Terrorized Me For Three DayS ...........::ccscccssssccccsscessteeesssesenneesaes 7 | Was Followed By A Blind Marl... cece eecessecsssssscececssssssrecseesessessseees 9 My Teddy Bear Is A Communist ................ccccecceeeeeeeeeee bic dk CR ia gh Maa ily 11 | Get Threatening Letters From Quakers...........ccccccccsscseessssesesseceessserseeees 12 My Radio Breaks DOWN ON PUrpOSel.........eeeeeescccscccssessssscsccsseceeeeeceseneecsacees 16 BOOK BONUS A Handful of Subversive Outer-Space Organizations... 21 The ASPCA Turned My Dog Against Me .........cccccccccsccsccessssescesseessensnevesses 23 Is DDT Really the Breath-Spray Of A Communist Organization?............. 26 How To Spot Deadly Weapons On A Beautiful Woman................05 Centerfold They Bugged My Son's Baby Cribl..........cccccccccccssssecsssssssssseescessnressenreeeees 28 How To Avoid Poisoned Health Foods ...........cccccccccsesscccseceesscecesecsssseseeees 29

CURRENT RECORDS Peter & The Psychos 7

The Catatonics Sing: “My Love Lives Sing, “I Am Far Away On Mars” Communist Yellow”

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° Baby Cora

If 4 6} Sings Her Latest,

“They Bombed My WN y/

@ Playpen” TY VIII yy

CURRENT NEWS

Watch out for Communist literature on your cereal screwballs in the world today.

boxes . . . and in those innocent menus you look at — What was really in those “Moon Stones” the Astro- in cafes and restaurants. Dora Demented is going nauts brought back? . . . one of the Astronauts has with Crazy Charlie . . . seems he protected her Rub- been getting headaches lately. WARNING! Simple, ber Duck during a deadly radiation raid from Venus ordinary Aspirin can be deadly . . . Wanda Wacky and she never forgot it. Sally Schizo just got a new took 26 bottles one day and she isn’t feeling too TV set . . . claimed the last one insulted her when well! EXTRA FLASH! I went to a Walt Disney film and she was alone . . . how crazy can you get? ... it in- watched in terror while the entire animal kingdom

sulted her when she was with people too. Too many went Communist!

CREATURE FROM THE CRACKED LAGOON!

No way Dude, we don’t need another humanoid amphibian in our act.

Pa Yeech! That’s the last time I don’t think we’re going to get we play hoops with the off as easy as the last time. creature!

Aye, laddy we’re miles from Loch Ness, we have no sea monsters to worry about.

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I think there’s been a mistake.

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This is cool—the scarier we look the faster they go.

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I told you not to buy a condo that was built over an old lagoon.

So long and thanks for the Jacuzzi.

You have a bad case of After Daddy gets a look at athlete’s foot—try and keep. 2 you, he’ll stop your feet dry. — complaining about my human boy friends.

Superstitions are always a big drag to the people who have them. They make life miserable because you waste so much energy avoiding fears that are really imaginary. Now the best way to get rid of a silly su- perstition is to keep on doing just that thing you are afraid of. In this way you'll soon see how unfounded

SESS EE

Fear that walking undera Keep walking back and forth ladder will lead to harm. under ladder for about an hour. have left the spot unharmed.

2 Sev

Fear that breaking a mirror Go around and start break- You will soon find out you won't | brings seven year's bad luck. ing up every mirror in sight. have seven year's bad luck.

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Fear that lighting three Keep lighting cigarettes for | a match is very dangerous. every three you come across. removed from any danger.

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| don’ know vot’s the matter vit me lately. | just don’ Z ; Something is wrong vit me. . .I have dat get-up-an’-go. | can’t seem to straighten out feel ayia ale ib res ask an’ fly right. | think I’ll see a doctor! oe me, | think I’m going bats!

Doctor, | vant you to examine me an’ give it to You do look a little healthy. Your cheeks have color in me straight! Don’ hide anything. Remember. . . 28 them. . .that’s a bad sign. Maybe you’ve been biting off nobody makes a sucker out of me! more than you can chew lately? We’ll run a few tests!

|| Well, the tests are back and they show you Vot is it, i ! , Your problem is. . .you a have an affliction. But it’s a common thing Doctor? : have too posure in that happens to a lot of middle-aged men - Vot’s | your cholesterol: who are hyperactive. . .

Now for the finishing touches and, ina moment, | will have created this incredible monster...

It’s alive! It’s moving! It really Oh, speak to me, you big beautiful blob you! I’ve works! I’ve done i created you out of nothing but nuts and bolts and now you’ve come to life! Oh, say those first words

that will make medical history!

Where are you going? Say something, blast yout here are you going?

To see a lawyer! I’m suing you for malpractice!’

Help! Help! I’m being attacked!

(groan) Now I'm back to my real self. ..Lawrence Talbot!

YES, SANTA CLAUS, THERE IS.A VIRGINIA!

UGH! The moon is going down! I’m (gasp) changing. . . (gulp). . .changing to what | was. ..

Darn it! | can’t wait for the B one tine | next full moon. ..so | can turn A have any back into the Wolfman! eo

fun!

King of the Japanese Movie Monsters!

Run for your lives! ls... J€8... . Godzilla!

——, Neclclcleloi!

|

My God! He’s actually eating the buildings. .. the cars. . the people. . everything!

Look! He’s. . .he’s going! He’s finished (yech) eating!

THE SIX-MILLION DOLLAR MAN RUNS ON ONE-A-DAY MULTIPLE VITAMINS WITH IRON!

n Hour Later

. . an hour later

you get hungry again!

You know what they say about eating anything Oriental. . .

Oh, no! Here he comes back! And eating again!

if so surprised? | knew he’d be back!

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This funny fiend has been a regular CRACKED contributor since issue #1! So, we proudly present... ;

DON OREHER’S HORRIBLE HUMOR

by DON = OREHEK himself! fast 4 | hope you folks don’t believe in Haunted Houses! | , ey,

Fi ey ebay! sae 6

But what happens when he gets tired of chasing sticks?

Don’t worry! I'll pop him one in the nose and Can | use your shower? My lagoon has . he'll be a pussycat! become so polluted!

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| showed her her peanut butter and jelly sandwich under the microscope!

Master, will you be going out for a bite, or would you prefer breakfast in bed?

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KING FOOCH. “MUST HAVE ONE OF THE (/ CVT HIMSELF UAIRIEST SAVING

PUAROAUS 4 \.A Lot!

LOOK! 4HE PLANS foR ~e BUILDING THE GREDT PYRAMID !

Hello out there, Okay, Frankie, | this is Nancy Dickering will. | must say

and this month’s interview Call that you’re the f ee is with a true giant in __ me classic monster of Lichtenstein... | SAS< the entertainment world...the Frankie! all time. When you can say a acknowledged king of the they made you { Z movie monsters...none

Poland...

that originall A they threw away > ops —_

other than the mighty ae the mold! Tell | Say = /™ from all Frankenstein { me...where are monster himself! < you from

originally?

malpractice

Frankie...what was the biggest turned disappoint- down for ment of your the lead in

) ‘‘Gone pagan | With The

Wind!”

I’m sure our readers would like your opinion of some of

| see. Tell me about Only when | the rivet through your (FY | laugh! neck. Doesn’t it hurt Wf y something awful?

A lot of laughs! ‘A real howl! Only keep out of his way

_ Others seem to like him, but for some reason |

could never see

your fellow That guy is monsters. really batty! Like, for example, Dracula?

when the moon goes down...he’s just not himself!

How about the [ae

y Creature From Be Ath A nice fellow... y The Black Is he still in the but just too ‘ "4 business? | thought

wrapped up : z he was all washed up! in himself!

Let’s go back to your early beginnings. Tell me...how did you do at school?

What do you do a whole day ?

What's your favorite TV

lwasbig f ee tiie, Bou manon “sf om =... they Is it true you ‘i : ! i campus! went to Harvard studied

Medical School?

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A | hear you work & Yes, | get a real Z out by walking | charge

A a=: along third rails? out of that! ZA

TheElectric a Company! Man, | g 2 Howdo you (aamamumary that’s a real turn y ees i relatetothe | !haveno &

‘ 1 trouble : ONO g | CPPosite sex? Hil picking up #

Frankie...you're a A ’ A very powerful g ican tear FE guy! Justhow canine a st ‘ 5

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You're probably the world’s most fearsome creature. Tell me...what is

your greatest fear?

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That one day | might be recalled for

defective parts!

Thank you, Frankenstein

What's your Picking up. a greatest the New York strona! feat of Sunday . Times with —

svengint one hand!

What advice ; have you got for That’s easy. Take young after me...get it all monsters just together first! starting out in the business?

CRACKED? You mean this isn’t for FAMOUS

monster! This is Nancy Dickering signing off for Te X\\ CRACKED Magazine! oe A : MONSTERS? fs res if E . \ aces, \

Hwy

“"henever you turn on the TV to watch Kotter or go to a movie to see something like ‘‘The Godfather’’, if the performances of the leads are good, those actors in those parts are forever fused together in your mind as one. But what if others had played these roles? Would the movies or shows have been as good? No need ; to wonder any longer, for in this next article, CRACKED takes a

look at what might have happened- |

Fellows--- he’s [==

Squint, we've been And we're You're sure enormous! |

Bo out on this boat nearing him, | this isn’t IN over three years pe SUR \\ looking for that killer Those are fresh shark. fin prints in the water! .

Gy, iy All right!...1'm going under in the cage and have a look at him.

Sheriff, you should have |Z ty . That shark has had it seen him. He was j YY now...I'm gonna get tha! hideous and huge and... | 7 y : bloody beast if it’s the

last thing | do. you hand me something to put on.

‘4 He certainly is determined! Mi]

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It's no use. The shark has won! He's impossible to catch}

get that slippery devil when everything | tried failed?

Simple. | just < used a bait he liked better!

MDG

4 4 Ay

D Now what was this information you had on Coldfinger?

IF WOODY ALLEN HAD BEEN CAST AS JAMES BON

Oh, James! Thank you for meeting me. I've been so scared. Let me hold you!

| have his address.

Great. Maybe the three of us can get together sometime... play a little bridge...melt down a submarine...

Torture me?...Why? You haven't even tasted the cookies yet!

Yes? What is it?...Miss?...My analyst was right! One minute a woman wants your companionship and the next she won't even speak to you.

Yes...oh,here. | brought you some cookies.

And.so, Mr. Bond, we meet.

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call you Coldfinger! yy,

What can that cheese blintz possibly do to me?

Have you ever had one right before bed?

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Mr. Coldfinger, it's not Good-bye Mr. Oh, James. You were so brave. Coldfinger.

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: ; ; Better yet, why not let / Gee. | just don't know | Why dont you just take the Pore decide for your.

whether to take Cynthia| your sister instead? peur eine Melloncrate to the yy Hamster Hop or Mary Sue Wartw

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You are so cool, Fonz! ig RCA

And Fonz, who are you taking? --The Polaski Sextuplets?

The O'Brian twins?

All right! | will take them both!

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Wow Fonz! WHAT A SET OF BOLTS..

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EVERYBODY LOVES A GOOD PARTY ...EVEN MOVIE MONSTERS.

We attended a Monster Benefit Party given in Hollywood recently for the benefit

of all the movie monsters and found the affair to be as swinging as the Olde Ceme- tery Gate.

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Would you

like to appear

on my TV pro- | | gram?

As what? ... }é ‘| the lilole whine- KX

\ Is that Tender Leaf tea you are drinking?

SSS RUE

I'd give my right

arm to be able to

attend your mas- ter's party!

You can't beat the horses. | only bet on football teams.

Yes! Let's go to my crypt for a little j necking!

eS So you think I'm a toothsome

dish. .. ‘ Wee (OR , | No, th yea My, bu thi I'm allergic to yr sd pudding tad

Vampira, would youg .. Besides | 3 ii like yours rare or well-|» “| you were quid diet!

SES Na ; SASS uy NI'm so sorry to do! \\ To prevent inflation, | this to you, Vincent, I'm in favor of cut- bitewalee quaningl: out of sliced ham!

js NK

es. You take over the opera and I'll go to NG Man, | just digf monster parties! }

/ What cah the Cat Girl see in a

dite like that? Al | wy \

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~~ and this punch will be

Oe bate periect, Dr. Jekyll ~ WZ;

| hope they nit: a head on that!

You're nibbling on The Blob, you slob!

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MADAM

ADVICE ‘TO MONSTERS

COUNSEL YOU CAN'T GET ELSEWHERE, FROM A FRIGHT SISTER.

Madame Fatal, Your Ladyship, I’m a very soft-spoken, solid citi- zen, law-abiding monster. But ever since grammar school, I’ve been afraid of being buried alive! We had this teacher in Third Grade, Miss Medusa, a real beast; with snakes in her hair and all! For pun- ishment, she would put us in a coffin and close the lid! Once, she left me in there through a whole Rest Period! How can I prevent my greatest fear—being buried alive?!

Aramis Spindelgosh Hemp, New Hampshire

Madame Fatal: Not to worry! There’s a firm in Velocity, Geor- gia, that manufactures the Ejec- tion Couch Coffin. A large explosive charge is situated just below the “departed”. Should the subject be alive, there is a switch primed for delayed deto- nation. Taking mourners and graveside diggers into consid- eration, of course. The charge has a shelf life of only TWO WEEKS. The erroneously in- terred has full grasp of the di- lemma in less than a week. You may see this wonderful labor- saving device in the current THE SHARPEST IMAGE catalogue.

Dear Madame Fatal,

We lost a good freak this week, Humpy Humperdinck, the 38

Hunchback of Sausalito. He wasn’t one of them bell-tower Hunchies; he had great respect for marine life and went around rub- bing sunscreen on beached whales. We wanna give him a burial at sea, that is, in the Bay. How can we make it into a first class event, for old Humpy?

Friends of Humpy

San Francisco, Ca.

Madame Fatal: Roll him up in a sheet of canvas, in the shape of a humpback whale. Then, get yourselves a bunch of easy-flow markers, waterproof, and write

bright sayings on the canvas shroud. You know, like, ‘It doesn’t get any better than this!”, and, “Beam me up, Nep- tune!” Then, ease him off the Golden Gate Bridge.

Dear Madame Fatal, Our family’s been in the grave- robbing business for four gen- erations. We sell cadavers to unscrupulous medical schools. It’s become much more risky since great-great-grandfather estab- lished the business. You know, dealing with the punks who made a sacrilege of our anointed enter- prise, as they make a ruckus top- pling headstones. Besides, with all the gang wars there’s an overabun- dance of stiffs. Would you advise me to get into crematoriums? Reggie Mortis Mudslide, Tenn.

Madame Fatal: No, no! There are more crematoriums in the | country than comedy clubs! For- get crematoriums, think ashes!! © It’s the big receptacle shortage, friend! Think “urns”!!!

HORROR FILMS GEEM TO DIG INTO OUR MOST PERSONAL ‘ MOST HORRIFYING THING THAT YOU CAN THINK Cee UAC PEALING WITH YOUR RELATIVES L£/ A

WRITER: GEORGE

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